it's been quite a while since I posted my last blog here..... it's sometimes kaka-miss cuz i've became so busy and there were lots of things that should be written about kaya lang walang time.... but now i have all the time in the world but my life gets so boring and i couldn't do something about it..... sometimes i blame it on my being so choosy about a lot of things (including boylets!) --- hello, sana man lang kagandahan ka!   c",) gan'on eh...  anyways i should not feel so regretful about that (but i am feeling that way! kainis no?) and sometimes nga,(anung sometimes, maybe you mean most of the time, old or new!) friends would tease me about a lot of things, esp. having no bf! (heLLow!?!? as if it's a curse without having a bf to show-off!!!). i sometimes just shrugged my shoulders about it, but most of the time i was so, so, so affected.... who cares anywayzz?  but they would'nt know, cuz if they do, they would just feel pity on me....so i'd rather keep it to myself or sometimes, if i have the mood to tell my trusted friend about how i feel, i would tell so.... kaso right now i wanted to be left alone, actually i am not in my usual self lately (ganyan yata ang tumatanda!) but i don't care, even if i am the most kulelat human being living on earth i wouldn't dare care.  this is what i am supposed to be, cuz if i am not like this, who else would be?

sometimes, i can feel my worth, if people around me would be sensitive enough to tell me i am needed. but i am also capable of getting tired, that even if they would tell me how needed i could be, it is'nt just enough. i am feeling so tired although wala naman reason for feeling so.  i could sometimes feel inggit without any reason at all, or there are reasons but i just can't accept them as reasons, because there is a voice inside my mind telling me, "you 're not supposed to feel that way because it's not worth it!", " hey, it's not reason enough to be foolish!".....  hay naku kakabaliw... buti na lang konti lang ang nawalang turnilyo sa utak ko today...

but seriously speaking, i am not feeling my real worth, kanina nga i was looking at my pamangkin and imagined myself having a child of my own... hmmm masaya kaya or malungkot?... of course masaya!!  di ba nga according to Sushmita Sen the real essence of a woman is becoming a mother, na inullit ni Ms International '05 (or '06?) at dinagdagan nya pa ng kung anik anik na anecdotes and quotes =) (wahaha! yun nga ba yun?).... na may saysay naman... (of course kaya nga nanalo siya ng Ms International title divah?)

well, if this is how am going to be, it's better lang na to start accepting the oh-so-hurtful-fact na  i would be living alone all my life.... actually nasanay na nga ko for how many years.  i made it for half of my supposed existence, magagawa ko pa for another half diba... eto na lang Good luck sis.... =)

P.S. hindi naman ito masyadong serious, slight lang....

***

actually ang suma tutal ng mga naka-post dito today is ... ano nga ba?... i don't know eh.. siguro, i want to have a family of my own and it's very frustrating that i wouldn't have it... yun na yun....

It's our birthday!... September 12th and 13th!  HaPpY BiRtHsDaY muah!!!

A wOndErful drEam... :) something to look forward to..  (posted August 13, 2004, Friday)

I had a dream wednesday morning, 11th of Aug 2004..and it was really wonderful.. it was my wedding day!... yes!.. i got married just the other day in my dream... the good thing about it was, i felt really good when i woke up.. and i saw his face clearly, i might not know him personally but i saw his face and it felt good that i would be his wife soon.. you might not call it an ideal wedding ceremony cuz i was just wearing a blouse and skirt ask if i was just going to attend a sunday mass. i was wearing my black 3/4's blouse and a beige skirt.. i was late pa nga cuz the ceremony was already started when i came in to sit beside my groom.. he gentlemanly hold me and took me beside him. hehe.. well.. at least in the future i am sure that i will get married, it may not be that soon pero i'll be a wife of sumbody i felt good being with.. and isa pa.. may sequel... the next morning i dreamt naman about me on my way to motherhood!.. yes.. i was pregnant naman in my dream that time.. haha!.. i just laugh it out cuz... season na season.. hehe... masyado ko na yatang iniisip ang pagpapamilya kaya ito ang mga nama-manifest sa mga dreams ko .. i was being fed by my husband naman with this dream.. i was afraid pa nga to eat the food "he" was giving me for fear that my soon to be child eh maging kamukha nung pinapakain sa akin... i can't remember his face though, but just as i felt the first time.. i was happy and contented... hehe 12th of august when i dreamed of me having my baby on my womb, i think i was like 5 months preggy... based on how big it was ha... parang ganon.. well.. i just wanna keep lang memories of these scenarios in my mind and in my journal.. so i have something to laugh at when the time comes.. hehe!

if i remember it right,( kai super tagal na neto for editing, since i've been sooo busy with my work i never had the chance to come back and make some revisions. i think month of may.. or june.. or july when.. again, I dreamed a wonderful dream.  I was getting married! ( hello?!!! , hanggang panaginip na lang ba???!!) yes.. I forgot the date kung kelan ako nanaginip pero yes I had a dream of getting married to someone I knew (sa panaginip) but when I tried to remember who the guy was, sa totoong buhay I dont know his face.  I don't know him at all... is that mean I never met the right man yet?.   ganun ba yun?.. eh, baket yearly na lang since last year, nanaginip ako na kinakasal?... what does it mean???? hay.. well so far naman I am contented with what is happening to my life.  I have great bundles of joy  kahit hindi sila sa akin galing, they're like my children.. yes! my niece and my nephews!  Parang kahit ganito na lang ako forever, I don't care.. parang ganon.. but of course, that won't be healthy. I know that I need to have my own family in the future... kasi yun ang dapat... although having just a kid would be so tempting, but I just don't (maybe) have the guts (... yet?) to make one.. or just maybe.. walang available?>> Hahah!  joke!... Huwell, I am open naman sa lahat ng options na meron... pero I let Him do all the works.... He allow me to be in this situation right now.. He's with me all the way so I let Him do everything for me although most of the time pinasasakit ko ang ulo Niya, (sino  ba'ng anak Niya ang hinde?). Well, I know in His heart He will do some magic in my future... who knows diba??
Kaya ang drama ko ngayon.. wait... wait.... wait... Until i get tired ( wish ko lang not very soon... ako mapagod sa kakahintay!) ang date yata ng dream ko ay 22nd ng May 2005? yun nga kaya?

I walk a mile with a smile I don't know I don't care where I am
But I know it's alright
Jump the tracks can't get back I don't know anyone around here
But I'm safe this time

Cos when you, tell me, tell me, tell me stupid things, like you do
Yes I, have to, have to, have to change the rules, I can't lose

Cos I shiver, I just break up, when I'm near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver, I get bent up, there's no way that I'll know you'll understand

We talk and talk around it all, who'd of thought we'd end up here
But I'm feeling fine
In a rush never trust you'll be there, if I'd only stop
And take my time

Cos with you, I'm running, running, running somewhere I can't get to
Yes I, have to, have to, have to change the rules, I'm with you

Cos I shiver, I just break up when I'm near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver I get bent up there's no way that I'll know you'll understand

What if you get of at the next stop?
Would you just wait as I'm drifting off?
And if I never saw you again, could I, put all, of this, aside

Cos I shiver, I just break up when I'm near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver I get bent up there's no way that I'll know you'll understand

I shiver, I shiver,
Cos I shiver, I just break up when I'm near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver I get bent up there's no way that I know you'll understand